Communicating with the Self-Injurer

             There is no doubt that approaching the subject of self-injury with someone you care about is a difficult task.  The important thing to remember is that open communication is the key and most self-injurers, although perhaps in denial or defensive at first, are carrying a very heavy burden with this most personal secret.  Once you perceive a loved one is self-injuring here are some guidelines that may be helpful:

      ·        Educate yourself on self-injury prior to talking to them

·        Have resources available so both of you are well equipped to handle whatever may result from the talk

·        Prepare yourself that your worst fear (they may indeed be injuring themselves) may become reality so you don’t over-react emotionally and ultimately make them feel like they cannot open up to you

·        Find a quiet time and place to talk where you will not be interrupted

·        Prepare to listen and provide supportive feedback

·        Stay away from accusations as this will probably result in them feeling unsafe and withdrawing and detaching

·        Start the conversation by letting them know how much you love and care about their well being

·        Let them know what is discussed will be held in confidence and that they can talk to you about anything they are feeling

·        Begin your discussion with your observations and concerns and make sure they are structured with feeling statements i.e. “I feel concerned, scared, anxious, etc. for your safety and emotional well-being because I’ve noticed all of these cuts on your arms and I’m worried that you may be hurting yourself…”

·        Listen, just listen

·        Through listening, try and identify the source of their self-injury and how seriously they self-injure

·        Let them know how good it makes you feel that they are able to talk to you and ask how you can help them

·        Try not to make them feel guilty and ashamed as this can be triggering and may cause them to want to self-injure

·        Keep the lines of communication open and seek help together

·        Keep your promise of confidentiality UNLESS you believe they are suicidal or of extreme danger to themselves and/or others